Stars and Walls

I want to be back in that room…

Back between those sand-colored walls that saw you and absorbed you…

I want to lay in that white bed.. And look at the ceiling. Count the mismatched spotlights. Stare at the orangish cupboards I always hated, and you always praised.

That room.. That prison.. That safe haven that kept us locked in, and kept our secrets secret. The walls that listened to your moans and smelled your sweat. Those walls.. I want to touch those walls… How many memories.. How many symbols.. And how much longing can all be in one room?

That theatre.. Where we performed.. And made wishes.. Made crimes.. Materialized our sins. Over and over again.

Maybe because it’s small.. Intense.. condensed.
Maybe that is why I see you in it so vividly.. Your naked back.. Your hair.. Black as coal against your white skin.. Long.. Then shorter.. Then shorter.. Why did you cut your hair?

I want to be in that corner where you cried.. Apologize for you again and again for being in love, and being so harsh at it. If I could just keep you in there with me all day and stare in your eyes and forget all about the “others”… The momentaries.. The newcomers.. And those who stay.

If I could have them all lined up on that wall and cross them out with a piece of chalk. Erase them and erase with them all the mistakes that made these walls weaker.. My walls weaker.. My hugs less nourishing.. My kisses less desirable.

Oh what that piece of chalk could do.. And how it could put back everything in its rightful place. And I would then have no dreams of her. And no space for her invasion..

I would not let her infiltrate me like she does.. Tries..

Who does she think she is? Scraping away all that is old.. All that is precious to me.

How can she believe she is a new soft breeze when she is in fact my darkest nightmare, trying and trying to fill my life with her scent when I only want yours?

My walls… Will they ever see her?
I wish never to let her in my sacred chamber, even if it were a catacomb. That room belongs to you. Your body. Your desires. That bed is yours. That window. That lamp. And all the mismatched spotlights.

“wouldn’t it be wonderful, if there was an opening in my ceiling, and we could see the stars?”

You laughed at my foolishness that day.. In the dark..

“If there was an opening, we’d be looking up your brother’s room!”

Call for forming a lesbian community

I don’t want a relationship, but I would be very comfortable around lesbians.. Truth of the matter is, the community in London as far as I have seen is always gay/lesbian.. And like men usually do, gays get more share.. more spots.. and a bigger community.. It really pisses me off.. I really just want to hang out in a spot full of girls.. Do I really have to have men thrust in my face all the time, whether straight or queer?

So my question is, are there any lesbian hot spots in Kuwait? And if not then why the hell not?

I really just want to have a group of lesbian friends whom I’m not afraid of being out in front of… Any ideas?

Heroes s04e01-02

I’m not a review kind of person so this is just a soft-core rant.

I must say, Heroes is one of the most annoying shows I’ve ever watched.. Season one was ok.. Season two and three are just really bad.. But unfortunately I am hooked.. Today I watched the first episode (a double) of the fourth season and I must say it’s looking a bit better than before… So my hopes are a little elevated for this season. Still going to file this under the Crux Dislikes though.. Until further notice. :p

I am, however, thrilled about having Robert Knepper as a new charactar! He was so good in Prison Break.. But somehow.. I can’t seem to imagine him except as a bad guy! I wonder if he really is a good guy in heroes.. I doubt it anyway! Love the new accent anyway!

And Hayden Panettiere just keeps getting prettier.. Except for the false eye lashes of course!

I just have to say….

Yum!

The more the gloomier

I remember it as a child… The first rain fall. I could swear by it’s dampness on my cheeks, and the fuss we made about it. It’s raining.. That was enough to make us smile.

And I remember it again as an adult. Driving. Listening to Fairuz. And the first and last time I was “in love” with a man.. He said, let’s not walk today, it’s raining.. And I said please let’s do, because it is. And the very same sweet feeling was there, the dampness, the happiness, rain made me smile. And maybe it also made me overrate his company. The bastard.

Whatever happened to that?

Why is it that the rain in Kuwait lifts my spirits. But when I am in London, and open my curtains to clouds and wet, I get gloomy and forlorn?

I miss my mother, so so much. And what a strange feeling! What a strange sentiment that when I went away, we became closer! The hugs I was afraid of giving now pour on her like this rain. Perhaps it is because of days like this, when I miss her smell so much, that when I do have her beside me I try to fill my lungs with it. What a strange change.. The boss has finally become the mother.

Who in God’s name cleans windows on a rainy day? The British work in mysterious ways.

Speaking of work, that is something I should be doing. Everything is due tomorrow. Everything. And I am fasting, and hungry, and craving coffee and cigarettes too much for my own good.

And chocolate, of course.

Revelations!

1. I can take on the world. All I need is a full stomach and a good bra. There is nothing I cannot do.
2. I can be friends with an ex girlfriend. That’s fine. But I cannot be a 100% civilized human with her.. Our relationship will include:
   a) Jealousy episodes
   b) Stolen kisses
   c) Frowning when one of us meets someone new
   d) Fussing over how she “doesn’t care anymore!”
   e) Remembering the hurt that caused the breakup and lashing out again!
   So yeah, I can be friends with an ex, but the real question is can she handle it?

3. There is always something extra you can do, always. I know that because whenever I think I did my best, someone tops it! *laughs hysterically*
   
   
4. Mothers kick ass. Usually it’s the father’s ass of course.. But nevermind that!
5. Coffee was made so that we can enjoy it. And milk is amazing. Whoever thinks coffee and milk is sissy can kiss my tanned ass.
   
   
6. Fireworks are overrated. They’re too effing loud.
   
   
7. I’ll get back to you on number 7!

Dear mom,

You did not raise me to talk back at you and for that I am thankful. But you also did not raise me to talk to you. You have stuck to the level of authority that you received from day one of your motherly life. Talking to you is almost as frightening as getting lost on a highway, naked.

If I could talk to you, heart to heart, I would tell you to stop wishing me a wedding dress.

Your daughter does not deserve a wedding dress.

And the irony is…

It seems I will be second best to a Leo all my life.

Sexual Education

I was watching al-jazeera with my mom and dad tonight and there was that show where two people have opposing opinions and usually end up fighting (eletijah elmu3akis), and they were talking about sexual education.

My mom was with having sexual education is school, my dad was against.. And I am definitely  against.. Knowing teenagers more than anyone else in the house, I don’t think they need sexual education at all. I do believe though that parents should teach their own children some sexual “a5laq”, not explicit, but according to age.

My problem was that my parents were (and still kind of are) patients of technical deficiency.. The language of computers and Internet has no echo in their minds, and so “parental control” was never an option for them.. So I was explicitly sexually educated at a very early age.. And I talked to so many weirdos – really old weirdos – online.. I was honestly convinced of meeting a couple of them and being in a sub/dom relationship with older MEN. I was 15, they were over 50, and the only thing that kept me from doing it is the distance. I was in Kuwait, one was in LA, and the other NJ.

So no, I am not with sexual education. I am with technological education for PARENTS. Otherwise their children will end up like me. :p

Holidays

The best holiday is the one you have nothing to write about.

It means life has been quiet and calm.. Boring is happiness for real.