I am a hypocrite.

August 17, 2008

I really am thinking..

Not because everyone says I should. But because I believe in God.

I do not intend to question His word or will. I cannot demand to know a reason why I was made this way. But everytime I try to reconsider my ways.. I ask myself:
“If it’s so wrong for me to be attracted to women, why did God create my body this way?”

Taking on the lesbian path is not easy.. And you don’t end up happy.. I know this.
If I could be happy, I would choose to be with her.. But like a small feather she flew from my palm way too soon. If I had any control over the situation, my life partner would be her, someone I love and know will always love..

I can never be a happy lesbian.. But as sure as I am of that, I am sure of the fact that I will always be a bisexual.. By nature.. Whether you agree it is possible or not! I believe I was made that way.. But I do not know why. You see, I want to be a wife.. I want to be a mother.. I want to be loved by a man. So why do I love women so much at the same time? 

But men are so arrogant! Why do they not see how two women can complete each other? Why did I have to give up the love of my life for a man? A man who in turn broke her heart and mistreated her.. I can never be a happy lesbian.. Because I can’t claim the person I love to be mine forever.. That bond is underestimated, overlooked, neglected.. Ignored. I cannot simply tell him “excuse me, that’s my girlfriend. Back the fuck off.”

I wish I felt straight. I wish I could lie to myself saying it’s a “phase”.. It would make things so easy..

How can I be something and at the same time believe it is “wrong”? I am a total hypocrite.. I really am.

13 Responses to “I am a hypocrite.”

  1. KTDP Says:

    it would be very difficult for me to say that we aren’t all hypocrites in some sense of the word.

    Hang in there…….

  2. Seattle dude Says:

    “Why do they not see how two women can complete each other?”
    Perhaps you are referring to the broom-faces we have in this country?
    On the other hand, I’m down with -good- people, be it lesbian, gay, bi, or whatever.

    Sounds like your going through some tough times, find a person to hug, let out some steam, and then keep on rollin!

  3. Soul Says:

    there are million of things that are wrong, and we know that they’re WRONG! but we’re still doing them! The human being is weak by nature, it’s very hard to control our lust and our desires. yet, we try! we want to be better.. we judge ourselves and feel guilty at night.. but, when we wake up the next morning we continue doing what we are doing..
    untill BOOOOOOOM, something hits us! a message, a warning maybe.. and that’s when ur life changes dramatically.. we don’t know whts gonna happen next! ppl go through many phases.. they change everyday.. I just pray to become a better Me.. and quit all my bad habbits someday! 🙂

    sorry, too much gerger :S

  4. concretereverie Says:

    I used to struggle a lot with being Christian and having homosexual feelings, too. But I’m starting to find peace with being this way. I’ve been thinking about it a lot and can’t think of good reasons (to me) why homosexuality is immoral.
    I really hope you can find peace with yourself too. You’re the only person you have to live with forever. Life can be a real bitch so it’s hard to take on other problems when you’re always battling yourself, too.

  5. ouch Says:

    ouch that hurts.. I come from the same background.. I live in Kuwait now.. I’ve been batteling… denyying.. ignoring my sexual tendencies and needs.. until it hits me.. I’m a lesbian.. I like women.. forcing/fooling myself to think am bi.. just to survive life…

  6. Broke Saudi Says:

    You can be a happy lesbian, it’s very possible. We deny ourselves the happiness…just like all great things, happiness isn’t always easy to achieve.

  7. I know exactly how it is… but I am a fighter. I struggle with the issue a lot, my secret; I enjoy what I can enjoy … but never forget what I always go back to… faith.
    Faith is your ‘salvation’… not a woman. Therefore don’t deny yourself the happiness just don’t forget redemption in the very end. Clear?

  8. fadidra Says:

    mind is a very powerful weapon don’t let it play with you around..

  9. the question is …why do you think it’s wrong? It’s not. love is love. and love is the only thing that matters or makes true sense. it does not matter what form your love takes. and honestly, if there is a God, why would he/she care who you loved? he/she wouldn’t.

    *If you truly do want to be a wife/mother/loved by a man …can you not find one who is open to having an open relationship with other women too?

  10. Ruby Woo Says:

    We all have that, although in different situations where we see that we too are hypocrites. We too do things that are wrong/bad but we go ahead and do them. It’s a cycle I guess, but hopefully with time you’ll come to find yourself and see clearly.

  11. iRise Says:

    As human beings, we do not have the right to judge right from wrong. We are provided with a basic set of rules, and each one of us… INDIVIDUALLY… does their best to fulfill their duty.

    The toughest part of your dilemma has passed… you know who and what you are and aren’t ashamed of it. The situation are facing, is like any other. We all love and loose and love again… Love will fall in your arms once again…. whether it’s with a man or a woman, you’ll know when it feels right.

    I say move to San Fran… no societal pressures there! 😛

  12. P-Ella Says:

    I was like you and thought of why most men are arrogant and has no feelings unlike women and ive been bi since i was a child and had experience with ladies too (not relationship) but when i grow up and thought about god that its forbidden to love same gender so i tried hard to change and stop thinking about women and here iam getting in love with men and women is the beauty on my eyes (lust) you know what i mean @@

  13. cruxine Says:

    Thank you all for your wonderful feedback. I read every comment thoroughly and thoughtfully and I honestly say, again, thank you.
    For sharing your ideas.
    For being polite and unbiased.
    For giving your much-appreciated input.

    Love to all!

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