No running. No hiding.

November 29, 2008

I have to plan my whole day, because no one else will do it for me, or with me.

I have to know what I have to do and do it, she’s not here to remind me, or panic for me. I need to panic for myself, and boil a little inside… My cool is no longer required to balance her feistiness. I have to be balanced within myself.. I have to practice my wholeness. Because she is away, and I cannot stand alone as half a being.

I have to know my schedule, and live by it. No one is here to call me when I don’t show up. They will simply wonder where I am, but will not call to make sure I’m up and running, well, or even alive.

I have to keep to myself those things I only said to her. Saying them to others will not have the same effect, saying them to others is no replacement for her compassion. I have to, once again, become how I was all the years I didn’t know her. Self-dependent. Remember?

I told her before coming here.. It might do us well. It’s still to me unclear how she will benifit. But me.. Well, I have to change all the things she used to dislike in me. The way I depended on her to plan and fuss. The way she replenished my energy when I was down and lazy. She is that bright yellow star that twinkled in my head and made me appreciate the day, what I have and what I can do. She brought out so much in me that I never knew.. But at the same time some parts of me were relaxed when they shouldn’t have been.. Now I am trying to work these muscles that have been long asleep, muscles of worry. Muscles of panic. Muscles of fuss and anticipation.

My lover, and my dearest friend,

I wish you were here… I wonder if you feel the same way about me.. And even if you did, I wonder to what degree you feel that way.. No one else shares that space with you in my mind.. I wonder if I have many companions in my space when it comes to you…

I miss you terribly.. It’s like a sore ache in my heart..

But then again, “no body said it was easy”. And at the same time, “no one ever said it would be this hard”.

Remember that song?

In the avenues parking lot..

The first time I heard it..

It was the week before I left..

And we both cried ourselves stupid.

I miss you, your hair, your back, your neck. I miss sniffing you till it dimmed all my emotions and wit. I miss relying on you and having you rely on me.

Do you miss me that way as well?

One Response to “No running. No hiding.”

  1. ex_quisite Says:

    no one shares your space, and no one else comes close.

    You’re the one for me and only me.

    And I miss you laid backness more than anything in the world, and how everything seemed ok when you tell me it would.

    I can’t wait till im in your arms again.

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