Failed (again)

August 6, 2009

It was the sweet seductive venom…

I opened my mouth willingly, bediently, to receive, and you poured it.. All of it.. Gently.. Yet so dominantly. It was overwhelming, overflowing, it made my head sway.. I took you all in.. Breathed and drank you.. Till there was so little for me.. So very little else but you I can breathe. I was intoxicated by the venom.. It’s abundance seemed everlasting, and constant.. Constant.. Constant.

You drew it back to you.. You limited your supply. You pulled back slowly. You left me to sorrow, and back again. Were you trying to heal my addiction by moving away slowly?

If it was an act of mercy, that slow departure, then I must say that at that very intention you have failed. It was anything but merciful. A one time hit, a shock, would have been easier.. Easier to get over.. Easier to understand.. But what you have truely done is so very creul.. That withdrowal.. I’ve seen it happen before.. And yet you assured me then, that I was different.

I will not be a dog. I will not come back with my tongue hanging out with all earth’s goofiness everytime you call. I am not your ten day break from others, nor am I there for good. I believed I can be.. I believed I would babysit your children and watch you be happy… But you have built shreads of this happiness over me.. You invaded me.. You tortured me.. How can I be happy enough to babysit now? Or laugh? Or not give a face when you receive constant messages.. Or When I spend an evening with you, and you spend it with your phone?

I have to admit to you something I am ashamed of.. A new found fact let’s call it…. I don’t need you! I couldn’t imagine ever being without you.. But when I couldn’t imagine it.. You were different.. I don’t need you. I don’t need the lies. And I don’t need the screaming.. And I do not need to be that person with you.. The person who’s constantly saying “I don’t care, I’m not your girlfriend anymore” while inside I am boiling. Boiling. And I care.. I care.. I care..

I care too much, and I care too little.. And I believe love hurts now, it hurts so bad.. So bad I don’t ever want to let my guard down.. So bad I would rather lie to someone and say I love them than actually love someone. I don’t want to be hurt anymore… And it hurts.. It hurts physically.

I cannot get over the pain.. And a big part of me hates you. It’s not easy to forget the hours I cried just to find out you were hanging around with someone..

You know how many times you said you’ll stop seeing her?

And now I am number one no longer.. Infact I have been searching myself alot and I don’t think I have any numbers.. and no labels.. Nothing.. I am nothing. And I would rather be nothing and face it than be nothing and pretend to matter.

You’ll get over it. You won’t miss me because you weren’t with me when you were with me. You won’t miss me because you already replaced me.

I am so hurt. Words don’t sound the same anymore.. And everything is dulled and dimmed. You came, and everyone went. And now I have nobody. I want nobody. Nobody else but the one person I cannot have.. you.

You should have never made a promise to me.

I would like to now announce that I have failed. He won. She won. I got replaced both as a lover and as a friend. And I am nothing but empty skin now. Your sisters love me more than you. I see a twinkle in their eyes that has long been dead in yours.

I have failed.. I was not up for invasion. He took you. She took you. I am outlasted. Outnumbered. Out of interest. I feel as dull as dust in Kuwaiti skies. Uninspired. Unaccomplished. Unloved.

“I love you….”

Sounds like thunder before the rain..

And H, it is so raining.

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3 Responses to “Failed (again)”

  1. Trixie Says:

    I love your blog by the way, you write so beautifully 🙂
    Do you ever feel that you keep falling for people that end up treating you badly?

  2. 7aneen Says:

    its like you wrote the words I have been feeling for months and months,, wow..

  3. cruxine Says:

    Trixie,
    Not really… I only fell for one 🙂

    7aneen,
    Love is love, and break ups are break ups. It hurts the same.. And you then forget the hurt just the same, and go back to that very source.


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