Looking forward to…

White hotel sheets and poached eggs in the morning. Long walks and shopping sprees in the noons. Chocolate treats and photographs in the afternoons. The twinkle in your eyes under the city lights in the evenings. And your softness at night.

Who says reality is never better than dreams?

One more time I want to have that boat for us. (elsha5toora).To sing for you and me. Mawjoo3 bejroo7 elhawa shu byenfa3o? Mawjoo3 ma be2ool 3alli byoja3o wet3n 3abalo layali elwaldani, ya 6ayr…. One more time I want to have you, all mine, before he takes you away.

I remembered something today… The first time you said you loved me… It was a text message.. I was sitting on his sofa, in his house.. It was his birthday… 2003..

And now he takes you away.

Looking forward to seeing you a bride…
Looking forward to seeing you happy, glowing, even if for someone else.. I want to be there for you, make sure you’re okay, make sure you don’t worry too much and remind you not to frown on…
Looking forward to holding your babies… A baby that lived inside of you… A miracle that I am already in love with! Your children, will they look like you? Will he let you name one after me the way you said you wanted, always, when we said we’d babysit each other’s children?

I am looking forward to all of this. Isn’t it enough that you’ll be in it?
I will not be sad but I will be in pain. I deserve you. And I’m not sure how I lost you in the first place. Way too soon.

Memories are not enough.

My life lacks a penis

She was upset.

I said: “I wish I was marrying you.”

She said: “I would marry you for free.”

She was very upset. But she’s just made me happy for days to come.

So now all I need to do is be re-born with a penis.

Because it’s sunny outside.

I got back from Kuwait to London recently, since my short vacation is over.

In Kuwait, I realized that my lips can still function passionately on another human being, as awkward as it may be, even if their name is not is synch with my heart beat.

Of course, since she has decided to take a stroll down Straight Ville – I don’t blame her since that’s where people get babies from – I am left to explore other possible connections. Only to realize in the end that I am not cut for this crap, and that I would rather walk down with her on Straight Avenue while she goes on about her daily life, simply because I want to be with her whether the way I want or not.

So yeah, I finally gave in to the ridiculous “best friend” label. Happily doing best-friendish things. And do not blame me, alter-ego, coz you would do the same. How else would I see her? So, I settle, while having my own late teen-like adventures on the side.

On a different note…
You never lose your true friend.

And…
Even though I completely blank on it sometimes; I am not alone in the world.

And…
I am only happy because it’s sunny outside. And because of infinite possibilities ahead.

A better fantasy

Ok, I know that my gaydar has been broken, off, and shattered since high school.. But, this new Final Fantasy character, Lightening, I’m already in love with her.. hehe I’m sensing a strong lesbian vibe here, people!!

Come on, doesn’t she look like a dyke to you? *sigh* So sexeh!

If she’s not one in the game, then she’s totally in the closet, I tell you.

Oh, but more seriously.. It almost feels like I am the only one psyched for the new final fantasy.. Am I really that old? I’m not about to stop playing games anytime soon, alright? 😀

Stars and Walls

I want to be back in that room…

Back between those sand-colored walls that saw you and absorbed you…

I want to lay in that white bed.. And look at the ceiling. Count the mismatched spotlights. Stare at the orangish cupboards I always hated, and you always praised.

That room.. That prison.. That safe haven that kept us locked in, and kept our secrets secret. The walls that listened to your moans and smelled your sweat. Those walls.. I want to touch those walls… How many memories.. How many symbols.. And how much longing can all be in one room?

That theatre.. Where we performed.. And made wishes.. Made crimes.. Materialized our sins. Over and over again.

Maybe because it’s small.. Intense.. condensed.
Maybe that is why I see you in it so vividly.. Your naked back.. Your hair.. Black as coal against your white skin.. Long.. Then shorter.. Then shorter.. Why did you cut your hair?

I want to be in that corner where you cried.. Apologize for you again and again for being in love, and being so harsh at it. If I could just keep you in there with me all day and stare in your eyes and forget all about the “others”… The momentaries.. The newcomers.. And those who stay.

If I could have them all lined up on that wall and cross them out with a piece of chalk. Erase them and erase with them all the mistakes that made these walls weaker.. My walls weaker.. My hugs less nourishing.. My kisses less desirable.

Oh what that piece of chalk could do.. And how it could put back everything in its rightful place. And I would then have no dreams of her. And no space for her invasion..

I would not let her infiltrate me like she does.. Tries..

Who does she think she is? Scraping away all that is old.. All that is precious to me.

How can she believe she is a new soft breeze when she is in fact my darkest nightmare, trying and trying to fill my life with her scent when I only want yours?

My walls… Will they ever see her?
I wish never to let her in my sacred chamber, even if it were a catacomb. That room belongs to you. Your body. Your desires. That bed is yours. That window. That lamp. And all the mismatched spotlights.

“wouldn’t it be wonderful, if there was an opening in my ceiling, and we could see the stars?”

You laughed at my foolishness that day.. In the dark..

“If there was an opening, we’d be looking up your brother’s room!”

Call for forming a lesbian community

I don’t want a relationship, but I would be very comfortable around lesbians.. Truth of the matter is, the community in London as far as I have seen is always gay/lesbian.. And like men usually do, gays get more share.. more spots.. and a bigger community.. It really pisses me off.. I really just want to hang out in a spot full of girls.. Do I really have to have men thrust in my face all the time, whether straight or queer?

So my question is, are there any lesbian hot spots in Kuwait? And if not then why the hell not?

I really just want to have a group of lesbian friends whom I’m not afraid of being out in front of… Any ideas?

Kuwait?

Awal shay 7ar.. But I’m not complaining.. I’m fed up with rain o unstable weather. At least now you know.. It’s hot, all day, everyday.. Elwa7id yathbit shwy 3ashan e7is bel2amn welestiqrar. Ay na3am.

Thani shay ana bas bafham, lesh mako shay esma 9eyana belkuwait?
What I’m trying to get at is when something is recently open (like a mall) the toilets are so nice you’d like to sleep in them, then, give it 5 years, it becomes so damn old.. Enzeen change the tiles damn it!! I HAVE to post e9war min 7ammamat elmarina, seriously, chinhom 7amamat masyid mag6oo3 be9a7ra.. zeen leeeeesh???

Zeen ana bafham, banat elkuwait lesh a’3bya? Ya3ni tarachi o 7a6eena, sha3ar o 7asheena, o tyeeni wa7da goo6i tawha testaw3ib ba3ad sneen enni lesbian (madri bisexual, lel7en cruxine ‘3er mu3arraf elhaweya) etbogli 3yoonha ma9dooma o chinha mektashfa kanz dafna yadha min wagt 3abdallah Elsalem Allah yer7ema o yer7am 7alna! Zeen esh7al lo ana abi a5ish elsalfa??!??!! Chan shino 9ar?!??!

 Ana bafham lesh kil elboyat ba66at? Zen, etha 3indich 3oqat naqs lesh t9ereen boya? Tara hatha tazyeef 7ag ellesbians. Elli tabi bnaya lesh troo7 7ag bnaya chinha rayyal?!?!?!? 7alata elli foo2 welli ta7t ya baba wel7idi2 yefham! El7ala zeeeeen!!!! Ta3alemaw min el L word, malat 3leeeekooooom yebtooli elqamit weya sha3ar reelkoooom!!!!!!

*cruxine 9ayra mbalta3a*

Zen ana weddi afham ana 7ag ay koosha min elmujtama3 antami? Eljema3a ahali mu3arrafeen bel”cool”.. Ya3ni ya 5ereejeen medaris 5a99a ya “chicken nuggets”.. Zeen ana shino a6laaa3?? Ya 7elo elmuqarrarat wallah, chinha elba5at! Loma elmuqarrarat chan ma e5tarabna, ahid elfi9a3a waroo7 a3wi 7alji 3ind my cousins?? La wallah! Zeen lesh kil my cousins elli kobri bel AUK esawoon bachelors wana met5arja o asawi masters, a77ad efahemni??? Hal hatha elfashal joz2 min el “cool” ????

Zeen lesh kil elnas shaylen jina6 LV? Shfeehom elmarkat elthanya?? Ana a7taj wa a3tari’6.

O by the way 360 mo 7elo o mawaqfa ‘3ala6 eb ‘3ala6.

O tha betsawoon illustration 7ag om kalthoom.. ya a5i 9a’3raw el double chin! Nancy 3ajram a7san minha?!??

Zeen ana bafham elli ygoolon elmiseela halaga, lesh??? Ya 7elo elmeseela.. 9ara7a ana ma kent met5ayla ako halkithir banat 7elwat belkuwait.. 6ab3an elkuwaityat e’3sil eedik, eljikir la yo’3a6eeh komat elmekyaj (ella elqaleel, ok fi 7elwat bas el2a’3lab jeyakir).. Bas ya weeli 3ala ellebnaneyat.. Ana afham enna elkuwaityat dam throoshom tgoolohom ellebnanyat 7elwat (‘3eera!!!!!!) coz reyayeelhom e3ayronhom fehom.. But as someone who appreciates the female body (I make it sound so clean!) I appreciate ellebanese chicks.. Ya a5i they have the fat in the right places!!! O elkuwaia tyeelik wa7da huge o ‘6aharha muqassam ela 3iddat 6abaqat o labsa bikini, E LEEEEEEEEESH!?!??!? Elmohem enna elbikini ellebnani ge6a3 reeli 3an elshalet. :p

Bas garga 3ad.

I’ve decided…

Since I’ve been in London for almost two years now.. And I only had crushes on girls.. I don’t think I can blame it on Kuwaiti men being so darn ugly anymore, I have to face it, I’m a fucking dyke. Bisexual no more.

I’m not your regular dyke either, I have a very specific type: straight women!

Why? Why? Why?

What are the odds?! ALL STRAIGHT?!

Let’s talk about the two women I’m crushing on right now…

1. L.

Well, she is.. Well, I don’t know.. She’s so much like her! And I don’t know if that’s a good reason, but it was a start, and then after you notice someone, you start seeing the rest of it, all the amazing things about then just start making an appearance. And there’s something about the way she talks.. She doesn’t open her mouth fully.. And her words sound from between her teeth.. Just like her!

*paper moon playing* *remembers the time we listened to that song in your car…* 

“But it wouldn’t be made-believe if you believe in me”…..

no one is like her.

Anyway, I met L’s boyfriend. And he’s a fucking greek god. What the hell?! I’m not up for this competition. And she’s getting a good laugh, isn’t she? She LIKES the fact I like her.. Ego boost? Whatever! I don’t care about your damn ego!

2. E.

Why can’t she see me?

Am I just invisible? She smiles to everyone! Why can’t she see me???! It pisses me off. Don’t you notice when someone is staring at you this much? Doesn’t she REALIZE I come here to see her? LOOK AT ME DAMN YOU!

French bitch.

 

“birds do it, bees do it, even educated flees do it, let’s do it, let’s fall in love…”

*remembers our days in your apartment*

And I’m wearing that perfume…. Today!

Remember dancing with me?

Who’s picking the songs today?!

*she’s making espresso coffee…..*

But I love you…. I love you… I don’t love L. And I don’t love E.. I love you… And I want you… Just you…. Is that so difficult to understand? If I found the person. Why can’t the person just find me back!?

And the irony?

I’m writing this post and this Japanese girl who’s (I think) crushing on me comes in.. And sees me.. And flutters her eye lashes like always.. And stares.. OMG I’m not imagining!!! LOL She’s staring… She’s doing EXACTLY what I’m doing to E!!!!

Happy (semi) 5th anniversary my love.

of Sama

This is not a love book.

It is not a present for Sama.

It is not a love poem that will keep me forever in her heart.

This is not a love book.

Or at least I do not intend it to be.

Sama does not deserve a love book.

Sama hurt me, she hurt me so bad.

So this is not a love book.

It could be a love song..

A song I wrote a long time ago.

Before I met Sama, before I wished for her existence.

Sama, my sky, my star, my beautiful moon.. Should this be a love song for you?

Or should it simply be a diary of my heartaches? Of me being a woman, and you being a woman.. Of me being away.. And you being even further away..?

If this is not a love song, then what is it?

What should I make this, what kind of present will be fit for you Sama?

I could think of no reason to write you this book.

I could write it about your eyes, about your lips, their softness, their puffiness, and the wonders they created on my mouth and body.. But what for?

I could write it about your skin, your eyelashes, your beautiful long black hair, but what for?

For you? But I am in too much pain to write you a book, Sama. Or a love song. Or anything that has to do with love.

So I have finally decided, that this is not a love book. Not a love poem. Not a love song.

Anyone who calls it any of these things has me to answer to.

If you’re thinking about coming out…

… Think again. Why? Let me tell you why.

There are four reactions you’d get:

1. Understanding.
   People using this method will tell you something similar to “Oh! I didn’t know!” or “Oh! You know, I wouldn’t be able to tell if you hadn’t said” or “You know, I kind of figured that out”.
   Which is not so bad, they’re trying to remain friendly, behind these lines they are saying “you know what, I’m completely cool with it.”
2. Flirty.
   Recently a girl who had just found out about me, stuck her body to mine and whispered “sleep with me” in my ear.
   This is not a positive experience, in fact it’s really bad. Simply because up until that point you were completely friendly.. I wonder how people like that think. Did she think that simply because she knows what I am, I’m suddenly going to change my attitude towards her?! Suddenly I’ll be interested in being more than just her friend?
   What a horrible way of perception.
3. Negative / Awkward.
   The worst kind.
   In a very recent experience I had a girl stare at me and say “oh……….” and frowned.
   After a while she said “Oh, I hope there aren’t many other lesbians in our group…. It’s going to be really weird….”
   When I got pissed off, offended, and annoyed, she started saying something like “Ummm, don’t get me wrong, I mean it will be strange having to deal with someone from a different gender..”
   When I reminded her that there actually were men in our group.. She just looked at me in an oh-my-god-I’m-so-upset-you’re-a-lesbian way. As though somehow by being lesbian I betrayed our friendship.
   My reaction to that? A smoke.
   After the smoke? Well, I just repeat the words “kiss my ass” every time she pops in my head. 
4. Last and not least: family’s reaction – need I say more? 

If you’re considering coming out to some people, I suggest you choose them well.
If you’re considering telling everyone… Well, keep in mind you’re in for a rough ride.