Knowing You, Knowing Me

December 26, 2012

Perhaps one of the things I fell in love with is the truth.

I have never been so true to myself, and though you sometimes bite your teeth down in jealousy, you still accept who this woman is, and what she needs.

I still get those pushes towards the marriage route, and sometimes the idea of a home does sound appealing. But am willing to give up this truthfulness.Who will accept the truth of one’s sexuality without insult, without repress, or moderation?

And how do I make him believe that I am not bisexual for his pleasure and that no threesomes are involved in this bodily choice?

You are a good man, but I have a better man, and he knows the truth.

Kuwait?

July 24, 2009

Awal shay 7ar.. But I’m not complaining.. I’m fed up with rain o unstable weather. At least now you know.. It’s hot, all day, everyday.. Elwa7id yathbit shwy 3ashan e7is bel2amn welestiqrar. Ay na3am.

Thani shay ana bas bafham, lesh mako shay esma 9eyana belkuwait?
What I’m trying to get at is when something is recently open (like a mall) the toilets are so nice you’d like to sleep in them, then, give it 5 years, it becomes so damn old.. Enzeen change the tiles damn it!! I HAVE to post e9war min 7ammamat elmarina, seriously, chinhom 7amamat masyid mag6oo3 be9a7ra.. zeen leeeeesh???

Zeen ana bafham, banat elkuwait lesh a’3bya? Ya3ni tarachi o 7a6eena, sha3ar o 7asheena, o tyeeni wa7da goo6i tawha testaw3ib ba3ad sneen enni lesbian (madri bisexual, lel7en cruxine ‘3er mu3arraf elhaweya) etbogli 3yoonha ma9dooma o chinha mektashfa kanz dafna yadha min wagt 3abdallah Elsalem Allah yer7ema o yer7am 7alna! Zeen esh7al lo ana abi a5ish elsalfa??!??!! Chan shino 9ar?!??!

 Ana bafham lesh kil elboyat ba66at? Zen, etha 3indich 3oqat naqs lesh t9ereen boya? Tara hatha tazyeef 7ag ellesbians. Elli tabi bnaya lesh troo7 7ag bnaya chinha rayyal?!?!?!? 7alata elli foo2 welli ta7t ya baba wel7idi2 yefham! El7ala zeeeeen!!!! Ta3alemaw min el L word, malat 3leeeekooooom yebtooli elqamit weya sha3ar reelkoooom!!!!!!

*cruxine 9ayra mbalta3a*

Zen ana weddi afham ana 7ag ay koosha min elmujtama3 antami? Eljema3a ahali mu3arrafeen bel”cool”.. Ya3ni ya 5ereejeen medaris 5a99a ya “chicken nuggets”.. Zeen ana shino a6laaa3?? Ya 7elo elmuqarrarat wallah, chinha elba5at! Loma elmuqarrarat chan ma e5tarabna, ahid elfi9a3a waroo7 a3wi 7alji 3ind my cousins?? La wallah! Zeen lesh kil my cousins elli kobri bel AUK esawoon bachelors wana met5arja o asawi masters, a77ad efahemni??? Hal hatha elfashal joz2 min el “cool” ????

Zeen lesh kil elnas shaylen jina6 LV? Shfeehom elmarkat elthanya?? Ana a7taj wa a3tari’6.

O by the way 360 mo 7elo o mawaqfa ‘3ala6 eb ‘3ala6.

O tha betsawoon illustration 7ag om kalthoom.. ya a5i 9a’3raw el double chin! Nancy 3ajram a7san minha?!??

Zeen ana bafham elli ygoolon elmiseela halaga, lesh??? Ya 7elo elmeseela.. 9ara7a ana ma kent met5ayla ako halkithir banat 7elwat belkuwait.. 6ab3an elkuwaityat e’3sil eedik, eljikir la yo’3a6eeh komat elmekyaj (ella elqaleel, ok fi 7elwat bas el2a’3lab jeyakir).. Bas ya weeli 3ala ellebnaneyat.. Ana afham enna elkuwaityat dam throoshom tgoolohom ellebnanyat 7elwat (‘3eera!!!!!!) coz reyayeelhom e3ayronhom fehom.. But as someone who appreciates the female body (I make it sound so clean!) I appreciate ellebanese chicks.. Ya a5i they have the fat in the right places!!! O elkuwaia tyeelik wa7da huge o ‘6aharha muqassam ela 3iddat 6abaqat o labsa bikini, E LEEEEEEEEESH!?!??!? Elmohem enna elbikini ellebnani ge6a3 reeli 3an elshalet. :p

Bas garga 3ad.

I’ve decided…

April 28, 2009

Since I’ve been in London for almost two years now.. And I only had crushes on girls.. I don’t think I can blame it on Kuwaiti men being so darn ugly anymore, I have to face it, I’m a fucking dyke. Bisexual no more.

I’m not your regular dyke either, I have a very specific type: straight women!

Why? Why? Why?

What are the odds?! ALL STRAIGHT?!

Let’s talk about the two women I’m crushing on right now…

1. L.

Well, she is.. Well, I don’t know.. She’s so much like her! And I don’t know if that’s a good reason, but it was a start, and then after you notice someone, you start seeing the rest of it, all the amazing things about then just start making an appearance. And there’s something about the way she talks.. She doesn’t open her mouth fully.. And her words sound from between her teeth.. Just like her!

*paper moon playing* *remembers the time we listened to that song in your car…* 

“But it wouldn’t be made-believe if you believe in me”…..

no one is like her.

Anyway, I met L’s boyfriend. And he’s a fucking greek god. What the hell?! I’m not up for this competition. And she’s getting a good laugh, isn’t she? She LIKES the fact I like her.. Ego boost? Whatever! I don’t care about your damn ego!

2. E.

Why can’t she see me?

Am I just invisible? She smiles to everyone! Why can’t she see me???! It pisses me off. Don’t you notice when someone is staring at you this much? Doesn’t she REALIZE I come here to see her? LOOK AT ME DAMN YOU!

French bitch.

 

“birds do it, bees do it, even educated flees do it, let’s do it, let’s fall in love…”

*remembers our days in your apartment*

And I’m wearing that perfume…. Today!

Remember dancing with me?

Who’s picking the songs today?!

*she’s making espresso coffee…..*

But I love you…. I love you… I don’t love L. And I don’t love E.. I love you… And I want you… Just you…. Is that so difficult to understand? If I found the person. Why can’t the person just find me back!?

And the irony?

I’m writing this post and this Japanese girl who’s (I think) crushing on me comes in.. And sees me.. And flutters her eye lashes like always.. And stares.. OMG I’m not imagining!!! LOL She’s staring… She’s doing EXACTLY what I’m doing to E!!!!

Happy (semi) 5th anniversary my love.

of Sama

March 25, 2009

This is not a love book.

It is not a present for Sama.

It is not a love poem that will keep me forever in her heart.

This is not a love book.

Or at least I do not intend it to be.

Sama does not deserve a love book.

Sama hurt me, she hurt me so bad.

So this is not a love book.

It could be a love song..

A song I wrote a long time ago.

Before I met Sama, before I wished for her existence.

Sama, my sky, my star, my beautiful moon.. Should this be a love song for you?

Or should it simply be a diary of my heartaches? Of me being a woman, and you being a woman.. Of me being away.. And you being even further away..?

If this is not a love song, then what is it?

What should I make this, what kind of present will be fit for you Sama?

I could think of no reason to write you this book.

I could write it about your eyes, about your lips, their softness, their puffiness, and the wonders they created on my mouth and body.. But what for?

I could write it about your skin, your eyelashes, your beautiful long black hair, but what for?

For you? But I am in too much pain to write you a book, Sama. Or a love song. Or anything that has to do with love.

So I have finally decided, that this is not a love book. Not a love poem. Not a love song.

Anyone who calls it any of these things has me to answer to.

… Think again. Why? Let me tell you why.

There are four reactions you’d get:

  1. Understanding.
    People using this method will tell you something similar to “Oh! I didn’t know!” or “Oh! You know, I wouldn’t be able to tell if you hadn’t said” or “You know, I kind of figured that out”.
    Which is not so bad, they’re trying to remain friendly, behind these lines they are saying “you know what, I’m completely cool with it.”
  2. Flirty.
    Recently a girl who had just found out about me, stuck her body to mine and whispered “sleep with me” in my ear.
    This is not a positive experience, in fact it’s really bad. Simply because up until that point you were completely friendly.. I wonder how people like that think. Did she think that simply because she knows what I am, I’m suddenly going to change my attitude towards her?! Suddenly I’ll be interested in being more than just her friend?
    What a horrible way of perception.
  3. Negative / Awkward.
    The worst kind.
    In a very recent experience I had a girl stare at me and say “oh……….” and frowned.
    After a while she said “Oh, I hope there aren’t many other lesbians in our group…. It’s going to be really weird….”
    When I got pissed off, offended, and annoyed, she started saying something like “Ummm, don’t get me wrong, I mean it will be strange having to deal with someone from a different gender..”
    When I reminded her that there actually were men in our group.. She just looked at me in an oh-my-god-I’m-so-upset-you’re-a-lesbian way. As though somehow by being lesbian I betrayed our friendship.
    My reaction to that? A smoke.
    After the smoke? Well, I just repeat the words “kiss my ass” every time she pops in my head. 
  4. Last and not least: family’s reaction – need I say more? 

If you’re considering coming out to some people, I suggest you choose them well.
If you’re considering telling everyone… Well, keep in mind you’re in for a rough ride.

I am a hypocrite.

August 17, 2008

I really am thinking..

Not because everyone says I should. But because I believe in God.

I do not intend to question His word or will. I cannot demand to know a reason why I was made this way. But everytime I try to reconsider my ways.. I ask myself:
“If it’s so wrong for me to be attracted to women, why did God create my body this way?”

Taking on the lesbian path is not easy.. And you don’t end up happy.. I know this.
If I could be happy, I would choose to be with her.. But like a small feather she flew from my palm way too soon. If I had any control over the situation, my life partner would be her, someone I love and know will always love..

I can never be a happy lesbian.. But as sure as I am of that, I am sure of the fact that I will always be a bisexual.. By nature.. Whether you agree it is possible or not! I believe I was made that way.. But I do not know why. You see, I want to be a wife.. I want to be a mother.. I want to be loved by a man. So why do I love women so much at the same time? 

But men are so arrogant! Why do they not see how two women can complete each other? Why did I have to give up the love of my life for a man? A man who in turn broke her heart and mistreated her.. I can never be a happy lesbian.. Because I can’t claim the person I love to be mine forever.. That bond is underestimated, overlooked, neglected.. Ignored. I cannot simply tell him “excuse me, that’s my girlfriend. Back the fuck off.”

I wish I felt straight. I wish I could lie to myself saying it’s a “phase”.. It would make things so easy..

How can I be something and at the same time believe it is “wrong”? I am a total hypocrite.. I really am.

Strawberry Kisses

August 11, 2008

Today she was mine. With all her senses.

Today she let herself be in my arms. She succumbed to my touch.

She was so beautiful..

Her long black hair flowing on her shoulders.. Her flesh so dazzling white.

Today she made me feel, like she never made me feel in my life.

She made me feel like she owns me, and I own her. And every other thing – every little detail – didn’t matter.

And she was so beautiful..

It was like a scene from a movie, you keep rewinding and watching.
You keep wishing it was you..

It was her today.. It was me.

Gravity doesn’t seem willing to work on me today. 🙂